Not His Type
by Bobbin of Ham
Summary: Hiccup has been made aware that his father should remarry so he doesn't have to "live alone" by some concerned villagers. Completely unaware of what that would mean to him, Hiccup comes up with a solution that he thinks would work. young!Hiccup.


Thump. Pause. Thump. Pause. Thump. Stoick didn't bother looking up at the noise. From the sound it Hiccup was hopping down each step, which was safer than running down them.

"Daddy?" Thump. Pause. Thump.

"Hmm?" Stoick sat carving idly in his chair. It was a calming activity, Stoick didn't really think about what he carved, he went with the grain and followed the wood. It usually ended up being a toy for Hiccup. A final, loud thump, as if the boy had jumped off the side of the stairs, which was more than likely.

Hiccup came into Stoick's line of sight with his hands behind his back, which was never a good sign. "Why don't you have a wife?"

Stoick put the wood and knife down fixing the boy with a stern look, "You know why." Well, Hiccup hadn't been told what happened; all he knew was a dragon was responsible. He was five, though, and accepted that explanation easily.

The boy fidgeted but kept eye contact. "Not a mama, a wife. A new one."

Why on Midgard would Hiccup be concerned with this? Maintaining eye contact Stoick asked, "Why should I have a new wife?" He was careful to not sound angry, just curious.

Hiccup cocked his head, "I don't know. Ack said he fought you would be looking, and Edith said it was about time you remarried." He said the words carefully, looking up at the ceiling as he recited what he had been told. "That it's odd for a chief to be wifout a wife."

Of all the sneaky, underhanded, cowardly things they could do; they were supposed to be Vikings not weasily Romans going behind people's backs. He clenched his fists, Stoick would have a few words with them later. He had made it very clear where he stood on this issue and for them to use his son to try and get their way, some very strong words. Hiccup was waiting for his response and shifting uncomfortably as he noticed how agitated his father was. Stoick took a breath and unclenched his jaw and fists. He wasn't mad at Hiccup and he didn't want the boy to think he was in trouble.

Stoick leaned forward to look Hiccup in the eye, "Do you want a new mother?" He asked seriously.

Hiccup scrunched up his nose, "A mofer that's not Mama? Why?"

Stoick smiled at Hiccup's reaction. "If I had a new wife then you," He poked his son in the chest, "Would have a new mother."

Hiccup blinked a few times, "But I don't need a new mofer."

"And I don't need a new wife." Stoick sat back in his chair congratulating himself on dealing with that problem correctly. Hiccup wouldn't be bringing that issue up again.

"Okay." Hiccup ran back to the stairs and Stoick shook his head. He took up his carving again. Barely five minutes went by before Hiccup came down again. Fast paced thudding on the steps this time, followed by a scuffle, some bangs, and a loud thud, "Ow."

Stoick turned to the stairs but Hiccup was already up and hopping to his chair. He stood on his toes and leaned on the arm.

"Can I play outside?" He looked up at Stoick with pleading eyes.

Stoick kept up his whittling, "I don't know, Hiccup. It's still wet out."

"Please. I'll stay out of the mud. Please." Hiccup squeezed the inside of his dad's elbow while sticking out his bottom lip in a pout.

Stoick sighed, "Outside the house, not down the hill or in the woods. Stay out of the mud and the puddles. If it starts raining, drizzling, misting, _any_ water from the sky, you come inside. Understand?" Stoick had learned that it was best to be exceedingly clear with Hiccup and leave no loop holes. Hiccup nodded, grinning. Stoick grabbed his arm before the boy bolted, "Gobber's coming for supper tonight so I want you to stay by the house." Knowing Hiccup he would 'forget' to stay and wander. He liked it when Gobber came over though, so that would keep him nearby. Hiccup nodded again and after a brief struggle with the heavy door, that he insisted he could open and close himself, he ran out the door. Forgetting, of course, to shut it.

* * *

><p>Stoick was pouring over a map of the area, trying to decide on a route to bring the herds down when the front door was flung open and hit the wall with a crash.<p>

"Think I found something of yours, Stoick." Gobber said. Hiccup was giggling as Stoick looked up to see Gobber come in with Hiccup under his left arm and a bag slung over his shoulder.

"I almost got you." Hiccup said as he squirmed, starting to slip from Gobber's arm.

"Ya hearin' this, Stoick? He thinks he almos' got me." Gobber hoisted Hiccup up.

"I did! You almost didn't see me." Hiccup squealed as Gobber swung him upright in his arm and tickled him. The boy tried to fend Gobber's hand off but was unable to get away, "Daddy! Daddy make him stop!" Hiccup yelled between giggles.

"Ye think ya can sneak up on me and get away with it?" Gobber said, mercilessly tickling the boy.

"I can't breafe, stop!" Hiccup desperately reached for his dad. Stoick stood up and took him from Gobber. Hiccup held on to Stoick's collar and caught his breath while Gobber hobbled into the kitchen area.

"Ye bail him out too often, Stoick." Gobber said with a smile as he put his bag down. He fished out his knife hand piece and exchanged his hammer for it. Stoick grunted and Hiccup stuck his tongue out at Gobber from the safety of his father's arms. "See?" Gobber pointed the knife at Hiccup, "Case and point."

Stoick put his son down and pushed him toward the loft. "Go play, we'll call you down for supper." Hiccup skipped off and leapt at the stairs side on and scrambled up. "Hiccup, careful on the stairs." Stoick sat down and stared at the map again. First few warm days of the year meant he had to get the herds down to the village. They were moved up the hills and away, further inland, for the winter because the damp cold air by the harbour wasn't good for them. Now, Stoick needed to get the herds back to the village before the dragon raids started.

Gobber chopped an onion, "He on a stew kick still?"

Stoick nodded without looking up. Hiccup, being a strange kid, was currently refusing to eat anything that wasn't in a stew. "You happen to get a glimpse at the high pasture on your way over?"

"Yer not getting them animals down tomorrow, Stoick. Maybe the next day."

Stoick put his head in his hands, "I was afraid of that. I want them down before the devils come back." It was the same every year, sometimes he succeeded, sometimes he didn't. There was a thumping from the loft as Hiccup ran around doing gods know what, Stoick certainly couldn't figure out what went on in the boy's head.

"You'll get them down. Why aren't we at the Great Hall again?" Gobber was cutting and boning a halibut for the stew.

"For one, I caught Ack and Edith lecturing Hiccup. Didn't hear what about but I can guess. For another, I want an early night." There was a bang from the loft, "For both of us. Hiccup." Stoick called to the loft.

"I'm okay." Hiccup yelled back. Stoick shook his head.

"I have to be up early tomorrow to start spring cleanup and Hiccup is coming with me. So he's going to bed early. You invited yourself over for supper. If you wanted to go to the Great Hall you could have."

"Well, when I heard you were plannin' on cookin' I decided to save yer boy from that disaster. He know he's goin' to be early yet?" Gobber chuckled.

Stoick sighed, "No." There was thudding on the stairs, "Hiccup." The thudding stopped as Hiccup slowed down and used the stairs properly.

"Daddy?"

"What is it?" Stoick didn't look up from his map but glanced at Hiccup out of the corner of his eye.

The boy had his hands behind his back again. Most likely Hiccup had broken something in all that ruckus. "I was finking about what Ack and Edith said,"

Stoick refrained from an exasperated sigh; it wasn't Hiccup's fault he was stressed. "We already talked about that, Hiccup." His voice was strained. Thankfully, the child didn't seem to notice.

"But Edith says that you need someone to help. She also said that I should have two parents, 'specially cause you're so busy." He still had his hands behind his back but was rocking on his feet. Gobber raised an eyebrow at the topic but Stoick shook his head; this was not a subject open for discussion. Hiccup continued, "I fought about it and I like Gobber. He's fun and tells good stories and he's your friend. Would that work? Cause Edith said it isn't good that you're living alone, even fough you live wif me. That doesn't count."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, lad." Gobber said, kneeling down in front of Hiccup, "What was that?"

"Can you live wif us so Ack and Edith stop worrying about Daddy living alone? Daddy says he doesn't want a new wife and I don't want a new mofer, but we like you." He spoke carefully, almost like he had rehearsed each word. He possibly had.

Stoick put his head in his hand but Gobber chuckled, "So you want me to live in your house in place of a wife and mother?" Gobber's mouth twitched as he refrained from a smile. Hiccup nodded enthusiastically. Gobber then eyed Stoick up and down, "Engh." He shrugged, "Sorry lad, your dad's just not my type."

Hiccup looked confused but Stoick stared at Gobber for a minute before rolling his eyes. "Your Uncle Spitelout, though, he is my type." Gobber said.

Hiccup crinkled his nose, "Uncle Spitelout?"

"Gobber," Stoick said.

Gobber picked Hiccup up as he stood, careful of the knife attached to his arm. "Yup." He smiled at Hiccup. "Don' worry Stoick, I only said he's my type. I know he's married."

"So you won't live wif us?" Hiccup asked as Gobber handed him some turnip pieces to throw in the pot.

"Nah lad. I like my place at the forge." He said stirring the stew and tasting it. Hiccup sighed long and loud. Stoick rolled his eyes; the kid was so dramatic.

"Okay." Hiccup declined the taste of stew offered to him and pushed at Gobber's arm till he was put down to run back upstairs.

"Doesn't stay still long does he?" Gobber said going back to his stew.

Stoick thought about it. Honestly the boy was a going concern from dawn till bedtime; he had been since he could crawl. "He's a still sleeper, once he goes to sleep. That's the best I can get for now. You know you can't bring Hiccup into your 'game' with Spitelout, right. Leave the boy out of it." It was hard enough managing the two of them without Gobber dragging Hiccup into it. Not to mention the boy was only five and shouldn't be a part of such goings on, wait till he was twelve, thirteen, or maybe twenty, at least.

"There's no harm in it." Gobber said, "Jus' a bit o' teasin, that's all."

Stoick eyed him, "Spitelout's not sure it's a game and gets nervous about it." He was also seven years younger and had always looked up to Stoick and Gobber. When Gobber started his little crush Spitelout had been freaked out. But he didn't want to reject one of his idols outright. He didn't want to encourage any advances either. Gobber had respected that, Stoick knew, but had never given Spitelout that assurance. He said that it was too much fun messing with the lad, even though he had long since moved on. It had been a purely physical crush.

Gobber waved him off, "It is. Jus' teasin' can't help it if yer brother's a little spooky." There was scraping from the loft, and thudding.

"Just leave Hiccup out of it." Stoick said with a sigh. He couldn't control what Gobber or Spitelout did but he would be damned if he was going to let them drag his barely-out-of-babyhood son into the mess. More little thumps of Hiccup's feet as he played whatever game he had made up. Lately it was house elves gone bad, if Stoick remembered correctly. Apparently they had been conspiring under the boy's bed. At least, that was the most recent reason why Hiccup couldn't go to sleep and had to stay up with Stoick.

"Gotcha." Gobber added some dried leaves to the pot and stirred. "So, Ack and Edith."

Stoick kept his eyes on the map even though he had selected the rout and marked it off a while ago. There was a crash from upstairs and Hiccup was shouting at someone or something from his imagination. Gobber waited for Stoick's reply though and that drove Stoick nuts. "Not talking about it." He gruffly said.

"Gotcha. Supper's bout ready. Might want to call your hurricane of a son down."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This was originally in _Of Fathers and Nightmares_ but it wasn't working right. So, I took it out, made Hiccup younger, and adjusted it. **

**I'm from small towns and everybody knows everybody's business and there's always someone/some people who stick their nose(s) in everyone else's business. (honestly, think_ Anne of Green Gables_, the Maritimes haven't really changed a whole lot.) It had to have been suggested to Stoick that he remarry. "It's been long enough," "You need the companionship," "Hiccup needs a mother" "The Chief should have a wife to help," and so on. **

**It was my sister who suggested having Gobber look Stoick up and down and say "Engh, he's not my type." We both agree that there seems to be nothing romantic, even one sided, between them. They're brothers more than anything. But I thought it would be very amusing to give Gobber an adolescent crush on Spitelout. In my headcanon he isn't interested in Spitelout anymore, but likes to flirt with him to see him panic, in the way anyone would who isn't interested in the advances of another. They get along well when Gobber isn't being a little shit.**

**As always, thanks to CB for the edit :)**


End file.
